I’m trying something new today! I’ve been doing stand-up comedy since last-last January. I had always known I would do stand-up comedy, ever since I was nine years old.
I was nine years old when my father had a heart attack and passed away. Suddenly, I had one less parent and a lot less structure and supervision in my life.
My mom worked days and was busy in the evenings, so I spent a lot of time with the Universal American Parenting Program, also known as cable TV.
After channel surfing for a bit, I always seemed to end up watching stand-up comedy, action/comedy movies, or sitcoms. I watched TV for easily 3-6 hours a day, and almost all of it was either set ups or punch lines.
Fast forward to today, January 15th 2018. I own a small media company with two of my friends. We started it as a terrible handdrawn webcomic website, and quickly branched out into browser games, game apps, and animations.
We started a discord server for people who play our games, and it immediately turned into a thriving suicide prevention group. How? You’d have to read the original post. We only half-know in hindsight from keywords and search traffic. It was just the magical chaos of the internet.
Okay, but why the fuck am I writing this article?
Like I said, I started off as a stand up comedian in January 2016. That was two full years ago, and I’ve had writer’s block for two full years.
I’m not a lazy person – anyone who knows me can vouch for my work ethic – but everytime I say down to write “jokes” or “material”, aside from a few bullet points or word bubbles, the page would stay blank.
Two fucking years, I’ve been living with this. It happens with the MoonChimps Podcast as well. In casual conversation, the funny switch on the side of my brain is on, and I can spew some wild, inappropriate shit out of my voice box. But when there’s a microphone, or a blank piece of paper….I freeze up and those humor-neurons just won’t fire.
So now that we’ve gone over some context, history, and the problem – we can talk about my attempt at a solution. Instead of writing “material”, I’m just going to write. I’m going to write every day, and I’m going to write about whatever makes the pen move.
I’m setting the bar low. I’m setting the bar on the ground, so I can just walk over it.
If I can write 100 words a day, I’m happy. 500 would be nice, but 100 is plenty. That’s an easy habit to start, and as a daily habit, it would take longer to think of an excuse than it would be to just write the 100 words. As the weeks and months go by, it will eventually add up.
To summarize, the reason I’m writing this article, is just to hit my 100 words a day and break my writer’s block. If you could see the 3.5 pages I just wrote (you can below), maybe you would have the same mischievous smirk that I do right now, because I finally broke my two-year writer’s block.
Our buddy and resident drug connosieur Green Valor just made a video on the three medications he brings to work everyday. What medications should you bring to work every day? Maybe his video can help you decide.
If you want answers faster, scroll down and you can see his video as an article. Just ’cause we love you.
Hey guys, GreenValor.
Today I’m going to talk about the importance of bringing some basic medicine with you to work.
This is my little medicine container. As you can see, that’s a fuckin’ joint right there. My after-work medication.
So in here, I have a few basic pills. Over the counter shit. Nothing illegal, just stuff you might want to bring to work with you, to help you get through the day.
I’ve got here aspirin, 81mg. This is for, say you’re having heart issues, or there’s someone at work who needs it but doesn’t have it, you have some aspirin with you. To reduce inflammation, might want some aspirin.
Got some Aleve in here, I use this for joint pain. This is 12 hour Aleve, this will help me through my shift. If I get joint pain, which I do constantly because I work in a factory. Constantly moving heavy plastic parts around. My shoulders, alot of the time, get knocked up a bit. Aleve helps me with that.
And of course, Tylenol, 500mg. Headaches, fever, Tylenol’s good for that.
With these three pills, I’ve covered all my bases. I dont know if I’ve gone over this before, but I get a bit of anxiety, start to get heart palpatations. The aspirin helps immensely with that. My blood pressure is normal, I get it checked and it’s always fine. But I get paranoid about that.
The aspirin, 81mg, it’s coated so that it doesn’t destroy the lining of my stomach. I genuinely feel better if I take one.
So, those are the three pills I’ve been bringing to work for a few weeks now, just in case. I don’t use them every day, but in case I get massive joint pain and I need it to get through the day, or I get a headache, or maybe I come in to work hungover. They’re great.
I don’t like to take Tylenol. It hurts your organs, but if I need it, I need it.
And of course the aspirin, if I get heart palpatations, or if I get paranoid for whatever reason. ’cause I drink a lot of energy drinks, and those do not help with your blood pressure. They spike it, and makes things hard to deal with. The aspirin counteracts that.
You could say, “Just don’t drink energy drinks and you’d be perfectly fine, Mike.”
… That’s just not the way I live my life, I guess.
Anyways guys, I’m gonna upload this, the importance of bringing a little bit of medicine with you to work. You don’t have to put it in a container like I do. I do it for convenience.
I have them in the actual bottles at home. This container is just so I don’t have to bring a bunch of bottles around. And so when I’m at home, I don’t have to bring the bottles out of my bag. Total convenience, I have everything I need in here. And of course, the joint fits right there. In my opinion: Awesome.
I have three minutes before I have to head out to work. You guys have a good day!
Mike just emailed me the first few pages of his book at 1am last night, I fixed a few small typos, and now you can read it here for free! We just love you guys that much.
This isn’t a happy story, not the kind you would read your child as you tuck them into bed at night. Seams the world got pretty crazy in a few decades. In 2041 the world had reached an impasse, a point that society simply could not progress through. With the advent of the internet came the emboldening of ideology. Several problem groups came to light, it was open knowledge about who they were, how they operated and whom associated with them. Nobody could hide from public scrutiny and the governments of the world had quickly begun to realize this as well.
In 2043 the U.N had decided to unify the law, most nations agreed to this proposal and signed on but for those who didn’t a question was proposed. What could be done about a nation that cannot conform to a global legal system, a global set of principles and ethics? In 2045 a decision was made that became incredibly decisive to the citizens of those nations whom agree to international law; Insurrection in every nation whom failed to comply with the decision made by the U.N.
The first wave of bounty hunters was introduced, they would pose as citizens and perform assassinations sanctioned by the U.N on politicians and important figures within these nations, swaying public opinion into agreeing with international law. Over the next decade the gradual process of altering the perceptions of these governments and citizens was complete and in 2055 all nations were on the same page. The goal of this project was to eliminate the bureaucracy of dealing with laws and trade regulations between each nation while ensuring national sovereignty.
Of course with this change came resistance and the necessity for bounty hunters to remain employed by the United Nations. They would be paid in the currency of the nation in which they performed their work and would require approval by a recognized government in order to take a contract. Theoretically any individual could get approval to place a bounty, the only thing holding them back would be approval by the government in the country they are operating within.
Ideology, dogmatic beliefs and socially deviant behaviour could never be snuffed out, only suppressed, but for a long time the suppression had manifested in such a way that humanity achieved an age of peace and prosperity. A sort of golden age was reached, however short it may have been. In 2080 an even occurred that would change things and shift the social climate, introducing a threat that would embolden the scum and degeneracy which was thought to have been a distant memory for most of humanity.
Pedophiles, Anarchists, Socialists, Assassins, Corporate Mafias, Black Market Dealers and Religious Fanatics. The groups that our governments agreed to keep in check had started to gain a foothold in society, the groups that would eventually be classified by bounty hunters as Septemalum. In a world of such technological and social advancement there is literally no need for any of these groups to manifest in society, other than to feed into their own selfish vices. These groups would rise up and introduce an age of fear for humanity, so many questions gone unanswered in this time and I need those answers.
Pedophiles are a problem group for fairly obvious reasons but morals aside, sexual interaction with children has been proven to be incredibly destructive to the development of a child and thus was unanimously put on the list of seven groups. Religious fanatics are simply those whom commit crime while using a religious groups identity as justification, this is to differentiate between religious groups whom are compatible with society at large. Using religion as motivation to commit a crime in the modern age is perceived as destructive to the values of secularism that are shared among the nations and thus this was also put on the list. Anarchists are another obvious one, without governments there are no laws or enforced rights, it would also mean the dissolution of the U.N; thus being destructive to the coalition is enough to be on the list. Assassins are seen as invalid bounty hunters, just trained murderers whom do not possess a license to kill. Corporate Mafias are defined as those in the business world whom practice anti-competitive behaviours and especially those who donate money to political parties and as that has been made illegal. Black Market dealers are those whom deal in illegal goods as classified by international law. Socialists are an interesting one, the principles of socialism seamed antithetical to the direction society was headed, free market had proved time and time again to be more successful than a controlled market. Unlike the other groups on the list this had caused controversy within the nations, a vote was taken and it was decided that socialists would be put on the list, despite some opposition. Shortly after the list was made there were numerous bounties put out, these sanctioned killers had swelled in numbers as the workload far exceeded labour. Most of those who joined were laid off soldiers, former criminals and young guys just looking for some good pay. The events that took place afterwards lead to a lot of distrust by the general public and especially the police, a dark and confusing period for humanity.
I get that this is the boring part of the story but a lot has happened in nearly seven decades. There were many growing pains for people getting to this point, within the Vatican an ousting of any involved with the Septemalum groups began and thus sparked a public blacklisting. The more puritanical aspects of society began this by posting the identities of those people on internet databases, those of various religions, politicians and prying hipster bloggers were among the first to do so. Eventually society at large was encouraged to do so as well, in 2082 the governments of the world decided to create a universal blacklist in an attempt to cease the inevitable witch hunts. This black list would eventually turn into a pseudo bounty list for most in the profession. Although public bounty lists and private bounty contracts don’t necessarily correlate, seeing someones name on that blacklist was an indicator of this persons potential for a bounty. Getting your name on the blacklist is like damning you to hell, you will likely lose your job, your friends and family will begin to distance themselves in an attempt to prevent any guilt by association. Once you are put on that list your choices of professions become narrowed and it is expected for them to find a career in criminality. Of course your name can be removed from that list through various means, but it is ultimately decided by an international justice system whether a name is put on or taken off.
In 2085 a volcanic eruption occurred in the middle of the Atlantic ocean creating a sort of island surrounded by a miasma. It is unclear why or how this happened but every person who had gone to the island is now missing, any effort to reclaim those who went missing would end with more missing persons. At the same time people started going missing within the nations and a rise in crime rate elevated the fear of citizens. This is where it all starts for me. In 2090 my older brother went to the island on a research expedition and like all others he had vanished. I was 16 at the time and it seamed like a horrible dream at first, it took months before reality set in and by that time my parents were already destroyed by this. The loss of their eldest son began to take a toll on their marriage. Zachary was intelligent, incredibly disciplined and obsessed with academic achievement. He took a particular fascination with social engineering and what it would be like to fashion an ideal society, modelled after an ideal image. Even though chemistry was his official field of study his hobby of exploring social development and psychological traits in people created a divide between him and his peers.
In time a rift would form between him and his friends, even between Zachary and our parents. When he volunteered to go on the expedition my mother tried to stop him, but my father didn’t seam to care either way; their relationship was very rough at this time and would be the catalyst for my parents divorce. The fights over the possibility of preventing events that would hurt our family, all hypothetical; I still remember the look in my brothers eyes the night his mind was made up. It was like something came over him at the time and I am convinced that no matter what was said or done, he would have gone either way.
So now it’s 2095 and I want to know what happened in the Atlantic. I know that was why my brother went on the expedition. He preferred to physically document his findings and keep them in a file folder under his desk. Zachary found that the epidemic of disappearances may have been linked to a new substance and that this substance had a sort of psychological effect on those who utilized its properties. The substance was apparently made illegal, yet any information about it is officially undocumented and not open to the public. A substance that is undocumented yet illegal means that anyone possessing it would have to be detained by bounty hunters for secrecy. There is a vial with a black ,vine like plant in it. I still can’t understand how all of this comes together since the files only explain these things separately. There are files on the disappearances and files on the plant, as well as many on bounty hunters and the Vatican, yet nothing tying any of this together. It’s as if the moment he found out the connection he left for the island, or perhaps he got frustrated and craved the answers that knew would be found there.
Tomorrow I enter the bounty hunters exam, the first step to discovering what is happening would be there. If I can become a bounty hunter then I can discover what this substance is used for and hopefully what ties this substance to the island and why in the modern age we need such secrecy on the subject. This seams like a herculean task as I have virtually nothing to go on here, my only hope is that this all works out for the best and I get a lead on at least finding out what happened to my brother. Just need to fill out this registration form to take the exam. Full name here, standard last name first and first name filled out last. I fill it out as Masterson Marcus Daniel. My place of birth, I’ll be filling out Windsor, Ontario, Canada for that. Height is 5’8, hair is black, eyes are green, now it wants my blood type? I fill out the rest of the form and put it in the blood red coloured envelope I was provided with when I passed the interview. There are three parts to the bounty hunter application. First is a formal written test, second is the interview and finally a practical exam. From what I understand about the practical exam it’s just a shadowing to ensure you aren’t incompetent in the field. I have heard about applicants being hospitalized or even killed while in the practical exam, the things I do for my brother. Five years and all I’ve done is get stoned and work shitty jobs to pay rent, putting work on what happened to Zach on the back burner. I moved out of the house at 17, tried to live back and forth between my parents but there are issues they need to work out with themselves and each other. The event took a lot out of everyone. Now I’m older, we’ve all found our own way of coping, just needed time apart to let it sink in.
But It’s exciting to finally get into this, everything thing I’ve dedicated my spare time towards is hopefully going top pay off. Before even taking the written test I had to acquire my fire arms license, a recommendation from three other bounty hunters and one thousand dollars Canadian for the application fee. My father was able to get the recommendations for me, don’t understand where he got them from though, he’s just some old mechanic, not really sure how he could network like that. Probably just some old friends or customers. Well I’m done thinking about it, tomorrow I’m headed to Detroit for the practical exam. My brother’s notes say that Detroit is picked specifically for it’s population density and urban jungle setting. It makes sense that this where they would hold the practical exam, one of the biggest problems for bounty hunters is being able to keep involvement with the general public to a minimum and tracking a target in the middle of a city can be difficult. Toronto is another location I could’ve picked for my practical exam but Detroit is closer to Windsor and I go there a lot to see my uncle anyways, so at least I should be familiar with the area.
There ya go folks, the first few pages of Mike’s book for free. Keep in mind, this is the same Mike who has been high on shrooms, and a different time – high on LSD, for your entertainment. If you appreciate his work, subscribe to his YouTube channel or his Minds channel for more book updates and drug adventures.