Mike’s Escape now available for free on Android! (I have no idea how to promote an app)

What’s up guys, this is Jonny from MoonChimps Media. I want to tell a quick story.

The first job I ever had, I was 13, and I got a job going door to door selling chocolate bars.

I heard about the job from some other kids at school. One kid said he was making whatever, twenty bucks a night. Right after school, he would walk to the 7-11. This sketchy van, or was it a van? There was a van, and  a couple other cars. Point is, you get picked up with all these other kids. Grade seven, grade eight, grade nine kids. All of them are under 18. The drivers would drop them off and give them maps. They would highlight areas they were about to do, areas they had just done. It was all color-coded. They would drop off all these kids. These cute little kids, and we’d go door to door.

Each kid would get either the left side or the right side of the street. You’d do the whole block, and you’d do the next block. You just follow the map and keep going. When you got to the end, you’d call your driver and they’d pick you up. Our driver was Mary-Anne. What the fuck did she have – she had a white Chevy – I think it was a Monte Carlo.

We made like twenty bucks, twenty five bucks, thirty bucks a night. The guy who ran it, his name was Big Eddie. He was this big fat Italian guy., who died at 37 years old. That’s when the whole thing fell apart.

He had this business going for a couple years, and then he died of pills. Apparently he was popping a lot of pills. But yeah, he died at 37, Big Eddie. I cut out his obituary from the local newspaper, I kept it, I still have it. It’s all curly and yellow now, but yeah, he’s been dead a long time.

So, the thing he was doing, he was with a certain charity. I don’t want to say the charity’s name, as far as I know there was never like an investigation, I never saw anything. I’ve googled the name, the real charity pops up, but nothing  about the fraud he was doing. It wasn’t fraud – I dunno. I never saw his books. It could’ve been legit in hindsight.

But basically, the chocolate bars sold for three dollars. And people would buy them, right. So Eddie would get a dollar, the charity would get a dollar, and then we would get a dollar. So we got 33 percent of everything we sold, right. But that also gave us leeway, because we could start doing two-for-five deals. That way you sell two chocolate bars, still make the same amount of money, but get rid of more, and there were sales bonuses and stuff. So you wanted to just get rid of your chocolate bars.

And you had to carry to fuckin’ carry the things, you had a little lunch pail full of them. It was better to sell them to lose the weight.

It was a very basic sales lesson for me, because the more doors you knocked on, the more sales you would make. But sometimes you would go thirty minutes, forty minutes, a whole hour without a sale. And it’s like fuck, I made zero dollars the past hour. This fucking sucks. Especially at 13, you want to play video games, go play basketball and shit.

But no, you’re fuckin’ walking around asking strangers about chocolate bars. And it’s like, if I was actually making some sales, making some money, this would be worth my time. But I may as well have been jerking off for the past hour, I would’ve made the same  amount of money.

But I learned that the more doors you knock on, the more money you’ll make per day. Not necessarily per hour, but per day.

So, Tyler and I have been working on apps and games. Tyler’s doing all the fucking work to be honest, I’m not doing anything, which is why I’m doing stupid shit like this promotion right now. I’m trying to promote this app, but I don’t know how to fuckin’ promote an app. I’ve never promoted an app before.

Really the only sales experience I have is fuckin’ going door to door, and uh, what else did I do? I did some sales over the phone, but even that was service-to-sales. People would call in and say “Why is my bill so high?”

I would solve their problem, befriend them, and then I would say, “Hey, how about making your bill even higher by buying these additional services?”

And even that I only did for a month. So I don’t have any fuckin’ sales experience.

But today, I was like: “Fuck it, you know what, maybe we could promote the app…”

This is the app I’m promoting by the way, Mike’s Escape, a free Android game, you can see it by clicking here.

Or if you’re showing your friends, it looks like this if you’re searching for it:

Obviously our podcast fucking sucks, nobody listens to it. But, maybe we can get on some other people’s podcats, and then that would help. I mean, Joe Rogan’s got a massive podcast. Just gotta build up these platforms, you know. By having high quality content ideally.

So I went on Youtube, and just typed in “podcast”. Then I was playing with the filter. So uploaded this week, uploaded this hour, view count, rating, shit like that. Trying to find podcasts with the lowest views, because if you think about it, the people with the lowest views will have the least amount going on. If I say, “Hey, I’m looking to get on the podcast to promote this app.” They’ll say, “Sure, we got nothing better going on.”

And if someone out there wants to promote their app, website, whatever,  feel free to come on the MoonChimps Podcast anytime. We’ll have you on for 6 hours if you want. Come on. We’ll be happy to have you.

So yeah, I emailed a few of those people, and you know, knocked on their door so to speak.

When I was doing door-to-door sales as a kid, a lot of people wouldn’t even open their door. They wouldn’t open their door for a couple reasons:

1) Well, they weren’t home. Sometimes you knock on somebody’s door and they’re not even home. That’s easily 20% of all houses.

2) If they are home, they can think, “Well, I don’t know this fuckin’ kid – I’m not gonna open the door.” So, some of these people I’m emailing might get the email, and just say “Fuck this guy.”

But yeah, I’m just gonna keep sending out emails. Contacting people on youtube, seeing if we can get on some people’s podcasts. ‘Cause this is shameless self promotion. I’m just gonna keep knocking on doors and see where it gets me.

Have fun out there,
-MoonChimps Media

How Many words should comedians write per day?

How many words should comedians write per day?

What’s up guys, Jonny here from MoonChimps Media.

how many words should comedians write per day

I’m trying something new today! I’ve been doing stand-up comedy since last-last January. I had always known I would do stand-up comedy, ever since I was nine years old.

I was nine years old when my father had a heart attack and passed away. Suddenly, I had one less parent and a lot less structure and supervision in my life.

My mom worked days and was busy in the evenings, so I spent a lot of time with the Universal American Parenting Program, also known as cable TV.

After channel surfing for a bit, I always seemed to end up watching stand-up comedy, action/comedy movies, or sitcoms. I watched TV for easily 3-6 hours a day, and almost all of it was either set ups or punch lines.

Fast forward to today, January 15th 2018. I own a small media company with two of my friends. We started it as a terrible handdrawn webcomic website, and quickly branched out into browser games, game apps, and animations.

We started a discord server for people who play our games, and it immediately turned into a thriving suicide prevention group. How? You’d have to read the original post. We only half-know in hindsight from keywords and search traffic. It was just the magical chaos of the internet.

Okay, but why the fuck am I writing this article?

Like I said, I started off as a stand up comedian in January 2016. That was two full years ago, and I’ve had writer’s block for two full years.

I’m not a lazy person – anyone who knows me can vouch for my work ethic – but everytime I say down to write “jokes” or “material”, aside from a few bullet points or word bubbles, the page would stay blank.

Two fucking years, I’ve been living with this. It happens with the MoonChimps Podcast as well. In casual conversation, the funny switch on the side of my brain is on, and I can spew some wild, inappropriate shit out of my voice box. But when there’s a microphone, or a blank piece of paper….I freeze up and those humor-neurons just won’t fire.

So now that we’ve gone over some context, history, and the problem – we can talk about my attempt at a solution. Instead of writing “material”, I’m just going to write. I’m going to write every day, and I’m going to write about whatever makes the pen move.

I’m setting the bar low. I’m setting the bar on the ground, so I can just walk over it.

If I can write 100 words a day, I’m happy. 500 would be nice, but 100 is plenty. That’s an easy habit to start, and as a daily habit,  it would take longer to think of an excuse than it would be to just write the 100 words. As the weeks and months go by, it will eventually add up.

To summarize, the reason I’m writing this article, is just to hit my 100 words a day and break my writer’s block. If you could see the 3.5 pages I just wrote (you can below), maybe you would have the same mischievous smirk that I do right now, because I finally broke my two-year writer’s block.

If you still have writer’s block, check out our friend Dylan Madden’s article How to Never Run out of Creative Juices.

Have fun out there,
-MoonChimps Media